Will Somebody Please Drink This Sprite?

Sprite

Seriously, guys, somebody please drink this Sprite. Sprite gives me a headache, but I bought it for a party, and there's one left, and it's been there for months, and nobody will just put it out of its goddamn misery.

Drink it, mix it with something, whip it at a passing child, I don't care. Just dispose of this lemon-lime thorn in my side. I can't even look at it anymore. Simply knowing it's in the house is driving me to the brink of insanity.

Reward: $100,000, or let's be honest, whatever you want. Ever wanted me to write a song/blog post/300-page novel about balsa wood? Or how much I love Nazis? How about turning myself in to the feds as the second JFK shooter? Here's your big chance, and all you have to do is consume a day's worth of sugar in one caffeine-free sitting. Do it for me.

Damn it all.

*resumes banging head against wall*