So who’s ready for The Big Game?
Whoa, hold your horses. Who said anything about a “bowl?” I
certainly didn’t. You guys know pot’s only legal in a couple states, right?
No no no, this is The Big Game. Nothing Super about it.
Speaking of pot, though, it’s kind of funny that Washington
and Colorado have legalized recreational marijuana use, since those are the
states where the Sea…oh shit, um…the above-amateur American Pigskin
organizations from Seattle and Denver come from.
They will, of course, be representing the AFC and NFC resp…
*pulled aside by intern, intern whispers in ear*
Oh. Yeah, okay.
Sorry about that. What I meant was, they will be
representing the two arbitrary divisions of Above-Amateur American Pigskin
organizations in The Big Game on Sund….er, the 2nd of February. Which
is today. Which…what day of the week is that again? *checks calendar*…Oh
yes, that’s it. Interesting.
You see, the Above-Amateur American Real Pigskin association
(let’s call it the AARP for short) have taken the typical terms and phrases used to identify their insanely popular title game and trademarked them,
copyrighted them, restricted the use of them, locked them up in a cage and
deployed a pride of lions to keep them safe. The AARP cuts off vendors and
merchants of all sizes and strengths at the knees, from huge, national chains to your standard “mom and pop’s.”
In articles dissecting the AARP and
copyright protection, words like "vigilantly" are tossed around to describe the way the AARP guards against using the actual name for its annual championship game like a mother bird nesting its young, instead of using more appropriate terms like “neurotic” and
“clinically insane.”
This makes sense, however, considering a 30-second ad during
the Big Game costs a scant $4 million dollars, and every dime counts. You don’t
become a $9 billion a year enterprise by allowing Joe Schmo’s Chips ‘n’ Shit to
dare imply the Big Game will be a big reason consumers are purchasing a chub pack
of Doritos (a company which, by the way, will drop an unconscionable amount of
money on Big Game advertising in order to get you to Joe Schmo’s store to buy their product)
The AARP can’t afford to have advertisers feel they’re not
getting the full bang for their buck. After all, letting Joe Schmo’s use the
actual term for the Big Game will surely end our national obsession with what
on earth Coke or Budweiser will do with their ads during the actual Big Game because we’ll be so
enamored with the traditionally high quality of hastily-produced local advertising before the Big Game.
The AARP also wants to prevent companies not directly
associated with the league from profiting off its brand. If small companies are
allowed to tug on the AARP’s diamond-encrusted money cape, they’ll water down
the exclusivity of a marketing relationship with the AARP. This could scare
away big name advertisers (because nothing puts the fear of God into Pepsi like
knowing Piggly Wigglys and Party Cities everywhere can talk openly and
fearlessly about the Big Game) and ultimately cause the AARP to take longer
than its projected 13 years to reach its goal of $25 billion in annual revenue. (In
2012, Bulgaria took in $18 billion in revenue. The country of Bulgaria. That
one)
And the league has every right to be concerned about the
integrity of The Shield (oh crap, can I say…? Yeah, I think I can…that big, shiny logo). In the past decade, the AARP's fanbase has stood by and even grown through two
separate work stoppages, price gouging, an increasingly convoluted rulebook that
puts the kibosh on most celebrations and common sense, and ongoing medical research
and tragic stories that indicate the sport may literally be killing people (with more research needed). But
heaven forbid if they find out the AARP is no longer the beacon of consumerism
it used to be. Straw, meet camel’s back.
So hats off to you, AARP. Your valiant and noble quest for
product and marketing exceptionality is unmatched, as is your war chest amongst
sports leagues worldwide, and you’ve shown you aren’t afraid to wield your mighty sword against the stingiest of challengers to your power.
The big money for ads can only come in if companies know
they’ll be the only ones broadcasting to a captive audience when they fork over
the dough. If you allow your trademark to be threatened by local joints looking
to pump up their bottom lines, you can basically forget about the Big Game
being the most viewed television event in American history, the way the last three have been. Everyone’s going to be too busy stocking up on extra
football-themed napkins at the dollar store to watch.
tl;dr - Seahawks 31, Broncos 20
