Fireworks: A Referendum

On Saturday July 4, around the same time my brother, his friend and I were putzing around Pittsburgh trying to decide whether to try and find a spot to watch the fireworks or just retreat and get a head-start on our drinking, New York Giants defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul, like many amateur pyrotechnicians around this time of year, was blowing his hand off.

Alright, maybe he didn’t destroy his hand setting off his literal moving van full of fireworks. Or maybe he did! Or maybe he didn’t. No one in the Giants organization was willing to confirm anything after the news broke aside from their conspicuous revocation of the contact they’d offered Pierre-Paul months ago. Now JPP will likely have to prove his worth this season with an injury ranging anywhere from “it’s just a flesh wound” to “AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”

Pierre-Paul’s a dope but he’s far from the only one. Twitter Justice Warrior @FanSince09 spent his(?) Independence Day retweeting folks who’d taken friends, loved ones, or themselves (if they were setting off fireworks alone like some sociopath) to the emergency room that night – including an alarming number of people whose first instinct after taking a firework to the face was SUP TWEEPS.

You probably think I’m about to embark on on a quest to the summit of Mount Pious to pontificate on the hazards that roman candles, aerial repeaters and snizzy snozzer snazzamafrazzles (okay, I made that last one up) present to dopes and those who choose to associate with them on our nation’s observed birthday. This isn’t true. Fireworks simply present a risk that far outweighs their entertainment value. I’m not trying to rid the world of fireworks because they’re dangerous; I’m trying to rid the world of fireworks because they suck.

If you are a child, or if you are legally or morally bound to a child, there may be some value in fireworks. Look at the pretty colors! Listen to the big, loud noises! Let Mommy/Daddy/Big Sibling hear and see something other than your dumb little face wailing because you asked for a chocolate peanut butter crunch ice cream come, took one lick, then decided you wanted cookie dough instead! They're wonderful, aren't they?

But if you’re a Grown-Ass Adult, there is nothing positive about fireworks in and of themselves.

I’m turning 26 later this week. I’ve seen hundreds of the “World’s GREATEST Fireworks Show” in my day in various towns and cities – just the finest parts of Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Delaware, mind you – not to mention Dopey Neighbor Du Jour attempting the same in their backyards (“’Zambelli’s are so good,’ they say! ‘Just leave it to the professionals,’ they say! Well, the ‘professionals’ have never met BOB SMITH. Let ‘em fly, kids!”)

By now, I am fairly certain I’ve seen damn near every type of firework that’s ever been set off. There are the standard bloom-and-bang fireworks, the ones that look like palm trees, the ones that crack and sizzle like bacon (cue the “BACONFIREWORKSBLAMBLAMAMERICA” faction), and the little tiny ones that are somehow also SUPER LOUD OW DAMN IT MY EARS. With some minor variations, these will be launched at different intervals for about 10-15 minutes before Gil the Firework Dude says, “Crap, we’ve got a lot of these left, and I just put that new two-level hot tub in the basement so I can’t take ‘em home with me. Welp, better just launch ‘em all at once!”

Thus, we get the Grand Finale. The thing is, a grand finale is generally defined as “exciting,” “impressive” or “climactic,” and unless you are five years old or have just been told by the town prankster, “Hey, there won’t be a grand finale at this fireworks show” and you believed them, none of these words should be words you use to describe the end of a fireworks show.

This isn’t some constantly-evolving piece of technology. There are no homing missiles or iFireworks or sparklers that can teach you Spanish. Nothing earth-shattering has happened in the firework R&D department in almost two hundred years, at least since when they introduced reds, greens, blues and yellows to the fireworks. That’s right: the last major innovation in fireworks was “colors that aren’t black or white.” Yet, every damn year we trot these things out. Fireworks are to Fourth of July/the summer what "pumpkin spiced everything" is to the autumn; if they're so awesome, why don't we do it any other time of the year?

Even worse are the people who try to videotape or photograph a firework show. Unfortunately, none of those people are reading this post right now, because you need Internet access to reach this blog, and if those folks had paid their Prodigy bill this month and had enough time to clear all the old issues of Readers Digest off their keyboard and log on, they’d surely have poked around the web enough to find innumerable, marvelous photos and video of fireworks online. Sorry Pops, your LG Chocolate circa 2007 is not going to cut it here, and it’s dark out, so we can’t see your kids in the shot anyway - and by the way, neither can you, because they’ve spent the last 10 minutes rolling around on the grass instead of gaping at Round 83 of “Ooooh!" "BOOM. BOOMBOOM. BOOMBOOMBOOM cracklecrackle.”

This isn’t a gripe from someone of the “short attention span” generation. Fireworks aren’t some feat of nature that kids raised on TV and video games are skipping out on because we just don’t appreciate things like this these days. Fireworks are manmade entertainment; chemically fascinating, but still just dopey, manmade entertainment, no better for your brain than playing “Mario Party” all day, and – as mentioned before – FAR more dangerous.

Those who might somehow find all this unpatriotic clearly don’t know me very well (nor the history of fireworks). Please, by all means, celebrate the Fourth of July! It’s a great day! Have some friends over, cook a million hot dogs, drink all the PBR your little liver can handle and watch the probabsell sprotsmatch. Or do what we did, which is head back to our friend's apartment, order a crappy pizza, drink beer and watch old episodes of Police Squad!

Indulge in all that makes this country great. Just not fireworks. Fireworks do not make this country great. Fireworks suck.