The Chip Power Rankings

I’m organizing my group of friends’ annual Turkey Bowl football game this year, where we rouse ourselves from our tryptophan-induced coma to cause ourselves devastating injury and exhaustion in order to catch about 25 percent of the passes thrown that day.

I sent my friends a reminder message on Facebook, adding that, “Personally, I’m down to two king size bags of Fritos and three cans of Dr. Pepper a day, so you guys are in trouble.” This is meant to be a self-deprecating reference to my diet and my fitness for football, otherwise known as “humor,” a concept I’d heard reference to in storybooks and songs that I thought I’d try.

Later, my esteemed colleague here at “We’re Awesome Because We Write” claimed in a message to me that Doritos were better than Fritos. (Presumably, this is why she didn’t think my joke was funny, not because…well, it wasn’t funny.)

This is a long, unnecessary buildup to the crux of my post. Rebecca is an intelligent, creative individual with a keen mind for most subjects. I respect her opinion on a number of subjects. Rebecca also happens to be dead wrong about this. Oh, so very wrong.

Our exchange over the merits of Fritos vs. Doritos escalated to a level even Ron Burgundy would be stunned by. This was Rebecca’s closing statement (aside from some bizarre remark about being the best chip-eating sailor mouth this side of the Monongahela):

“Fritos are not superior by any means. They are the jagoff chip that doesn’t bathe and dresses poorly and acts like a dick. The other chips would rather hang out with horseradish flavored kettle chips.”

"Whoa."

This is the level we’re working at. This is certainly the most worked-up any two people have ever been over chips since *insert your own “Chip’s Challenge” joke here* I have an incomprehensible number of ideas for this blog in terms of writing topics, but they’re going on hold for this debate.

In college, I lived with a group of gentlemen for three years who bathed in bacon grease, brushed their teeth with Keystone Light and snorted lines of Tang to get amped up for finals. If there’s a man more experienced than I in junk food and chips, I’d like to meet him before he suffers cardiac arrest within the next five hours.

Before we get to the official Chip Power Rankings, though, a few honorable mentions to non-chip snacks, which are delicious in their own right, but cannot be graded on the same scale. It would be like comparing apples and oranges, except not at all similar.

 White Cheddar Cheese Popcorn / Kettle Corn

They’re two different products, yes, but the same result bears out: whether you’re looking for the sharp flavor of white cheddar or the sweetness of kettle corn, you’re sure to end up with a floor covered in kernels and fingers smelling like earwax. These are small sacrifices in the grand scheme of things, though, for the flavor within those “family-size” bags as tall as a monster truck wheel.

Peanut Butter-Filled Pretzels

Don’t let the obnoxious price tag at some supermarkets dissuade you from trying these – swallow your pride and buy the generic brand; Herr’s doesn’t know much better than CVS how to make a good peanut butter-filled pretzel. The combined saltiness of the fake peanut butter coated by the pretzel nugget should theoretically be enough to turn your tongue into a pink piece of hardtack, but instead, it delights your pallet, encouraging you to down handfuls when you’re best suited to enjoy them one at a time.

Honey Roasted Whole Cashews

Okay, so, let me level with you here.

Cashews: Pretty delicious.

Honey-roasted peanuts: Pretty f***ing delicious.

Honey-roasted whole cashew pieces: F***ING GENIUS.

They're sweet, they're salty, they're crunchy, and yet you're STILL reading this and not going out to buy some. WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?

Anyway...*ahem*...on to the chip rankings. With some of the more specific types of chip, I've chosen to go with big-name brands, because I don't need to hear how Benny's Tavern in Horse Head, Virginia has, like, the BEST kettle chips in the world, and anyone who says otherwise just hasn't TRIED them yet, man. Here are my official ranks, plus a description of who you are if this is your favorite chip.

3,928th: Lays Classic

You've given up. You're out of ideas. All your looking for is something that makes something resembling a "crunch" noise when you bite into it that also happens to include a truckload of pool salt in each bag.

This is an insult to your friends who bring exotic dips they've painstakingly crafted for hours over to your party, only to see you've supplied them with the chip they give out for free with those crappy box lunches at college orientation. It's like pairing Pete Sampras with a dead hamster for doubles tennis; it's really not fair to Pete nor the hamster.

3,927th: Ruffles (and similar chips with ripples)

You've given up and you're out of ideas, but you've given up with PIZZAZZ. You also need your chip bag to come with a caption explicitly detailing what the picture on the front of the bag is.

Skip a few, aaaaaand....

8. Barbecue chips

You're the guy who insists on trying to appease everyone when they order pizza for a group of friends. Everyone would probably be happy with a standard plain pizza, but in the event SOMEONE refuses to eat dough lathered in marinara and coated with mozzarella unless it ALSO has spicy meat on top, you get half of it with pepperoni on top. Likewise, the barbecue chips seem like a good idea for diversity's sake, even though everyone would've been perfectly fine with some plain old regular chips.

7. Bugles

You're going to your girlfriend's family's house for Thanksgiving for the first time, and you know they have an intense football game every year. You decided to gear up at Dick's on your way over, and you're ready for some FOOBAW...except instead of receiver's gloves, you bought thick 'ol snow gloves. Sure, the intent was there, and in some respects, they still work the same, but you aren't hauling in any touchdowns like that.

6. Sun Chips

You goddamn hipster.

5. Blue corn chips

You're a hipster who makes fun of hipsters enough to convince yourself you're not a hipster too. But look in the mirror, pal.

4. Tostitos / Tortilla chips

You didn't feel like putting a ton of effort into choosing a chip, so you went with an old favorite. Like swinging by your favorite local pizza joint for the medium special after work, you'll never be dissatisfied by choosing it, particularly if you pick the right toppings (dip) to go with it. But you'll never learn the other wonders of the chip world if you don't branch out.

3. Doritos

There are more flavors of Doritos than there are housewife-based reality TV shows, so for the sake of simplicity, we'll focus on the two flagship Dorito flavors: Nacho Cheese and Cooler Ranch. (Seriously, though, remember Doritos 3Ds? Good lord)

You're the guy who watches the Daily Show almost every night nine months out of the year. It's funny, creative and you feel like a better person after watching it, even though you probably got pleasure out of a few things that ate away at your soul. Once election time rolls around, though, you turn off the TV. There're only so many Fox News jokes you can take a night, after all.

2. Pringles

They're the new guy at the office everyone loves. He works hard, he thinks out of the box, is considerate to everyone and has a unique sense of style everyone seems to get a kick out of. You're not sure there's anything wrong with the guy, though you suspect his family might have some ties to the mafia.

1. Fritos

Most likely, you're going to be the first person canonized while they're still alive, so congratulations.